Two days before my November birthday, my father passed away. I have discovered that grief is an interesting topic unappreciated until there is a real encounter. Feelings of anguish are commonly experienced after any significant loss such as a job or relationship including the death of a close person. Separation anxiety, feelings of yearning and confusion accompany a state of grief. During this time, intrusive thoughts of the past or fears for the future may emerge. It is not rare to have feelings of regret over lost opportunities or remorse for a negative act committed by either party. An intense grief reaction can disrupt the immune system or cause enough physical pain inspire self-neglect. Grieving is deeply personal and there is no ‘correct’ way to go through the process. Gabert (2020) describes surviving the unexpected nature of grief:

“Grief, after the initial shock of loss, comes in waves … When you are
driving alone in your car, while you are doing the dishes, while you are
getting ready for work …. And all of a sudden it hits you – how so
very much you miss someone, and your breath catches, your tears flow
and the sadness is so great that it is physically painful.”

The stages of grief should not go without mention. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969) described five stages of grief that were originally developed to explain the phases of dealing with the news of a terminal illness. The model can be applied to any type of significant shock, loss or change. Each stage is not experienced in any particular order, a stage may be omitted or one can get stuck in a stage that is repeated in cycles:

Denial: When people deny the bad news and maintain incongruent expectations. This natural defense mechanism tempers the reaction to grief

Anger: People display their upset through bitter protests, use loud voices, have bad moods or insist the news not be so

Bargaining: Making an agreement; for instance, “If I try to be a better person, then this news will go away”

Depression: People develop symptoms of a sad, anxious or empty mood with easy tearfulness with a lack of energy or their usual interest in life

Acceptance: An adjustment to the new reality is formed and life moves forward

Midlife Parental Loss
There is little research about losing a parent in midlife (40’s to 60’s,) an experience that varies uniquely for each person. The quality of the relationship with the lost parent must be first considered. Unresolved issues of difficult strain can bring feelings of anger, guilt or regret to the surface when the parent passes. Factors such as the adult child’s state of mental health, the extent of their support systems and life circumstances can influence their response to a death. As a momentous life event, midlife parental loss can have a profound impact on emotional, mental and physical health. The effects of grief can add to current depression and anxiety further impacting a negative mental status. The bereaved person that holds unpleasant childhood memories can face complications. For example, once a parent is gone, there are no in-person chances to heal past hurts. Even if there was little opportunity to repair grievances while the parent was living, the death can leave the adult child with guilt, shame and remorse as matters can never be resolved. Circumstances of the parent’s death can shape grief’s path. The adult child may entertain a damaging internal dialogue, such as, “I could have done more,” “I failed them,”  “It was my fault mom/dad suffered in death.” In the wake of a parent’s death, some grief-stricken adults are left with feelings of helplessness, a loss of control and residual anger at themselves or medical staff.

Other effects of losing a parent as an adult are the shift in family power dynamics where now the role of caretaker for surviving relatives is assumed; passing the torch. Midlife transition is already a challenging life stage with career stressors and children leaving the nest. The loss is complex, as this new role is presented during a developmental period of self-reflection when identity, stability and purpose are naturally questioned. A complicated sense of relief in relinquishing caregiving duties or a difficult relationship can coexist with feelings of guilt. If the relationship with the deceased parent was supportive, that source of stability is gone and sought with siblings, extended family, friends or professionals to cope with the loss. Existential impressions about life’s purpose and one’s family heritage are intensified by the death. The upside is that these questions can bring positive meaning to life in that it motivates pursuance of unfulfilled goals or the importance of deepening relationships. Despite midlife challenges, processing grief can lead to growth, resilience and a new perspective on what it means to be alive.

Useful Coping Mechanisms

• Accept, without judgment, the unpredictable waves of coevolving emotions such as grief – sadness, anger, guilt and even relief

• Give yourself some grace by acknowledging the struggle of managing adult responsibilities alongside a grief experience

• Share validating and comforting  stories and emotions with others by connecting with those who knew your parent

• Open communication with relatives is vital to managing redefined roles and responsibilities

• Use photographs and personal items to honor a parent’s memory

• Craft an annual ritual or carry on a tradition by which to remember your parent

• Process grief by writing/journaling memories and life lessons from the parent along with your reflective insights

• Take care of yourself with gentle exercise, healthy diet and adequate sleep to support emotional balance

Ross, E. K. (1969) On death and dying. Reprint (2011) Scribner.

Gabert, N. (2022). Time in a bottle blog
      https://timeinabottle.blog/2022/03/