Perfectionism in our Culture

What is perfectionism? What it is NOT is merely having high standards or striving too intensely to achieve a goal. What drives perfectionism is an erroneous belief that one is inherently flawed and then works hard to cover up what they think are their defects.

People who cannot accept mistakes may act in the following ways:  
1. Have to always set their own rules
2. Blame others for their mistakes
3. Say unhelpful things about themselves
4. Have trouble making decisions
5. Make a project way too complex in trying to make it be ‘the best’
6. Procrastinate to a last minute, as the work is not good enough
7. Always take over and insist that things be done their way
8. Pay more attention to what’s wrong instead of a positive side
9. Give up too soon without really trying

Did you know that perfectionistic anxiety paralyzes our youth to the extent that they are fearful of new experiences and challenges? This avoidance behavior ultimately limits their ability to meet a normal developmental trajectory. A new study has shown that there is a rise in perfectionism for young people, especially among college students. Pressure from parents, in the form of higher expectations and taking a critical stance toward their children, has continued to increase since the 1980’s. One contributing factor may be residing in a ‘driven’ culture that effects parents and kids alike. “Parents are not to blame because they’re reacting anxiously to a hyper-competitive world with ferocious academic pressures, runaway inequality and technological innovations like social media that propagate unrealistic ideals of how we should appear and perform,” (Curran, T., 2022).

I have gradually seen this issue progress in my own practice with college aged clients, as well as elementary and middle schoolers. By the time these kids come to treatment, it is heartbreaking to see how anxious they have made themselves. Take for instance a child realizing the brand-new challenge of public speaking. Instead of the important basics of learning to write an outline, how to memorize notecards or stay focused during a speech, one child was more concerned about how highly she would rank in her class of peers or if she would be chosen for an internal/external school competition. What she demanded of herself was an exceptionally elevated level of performance, in excess of what was actually required by the situation. Anxiety is certainly not an optimal state in which to memorize or perform. Or the brilliant boy who cannot work in groups or dyads, as he has great difficulty compromising his rigid beliefs for how best to solve a problem. The issue here was that he had to always take over to set the rules and ensure that things be done his particular way. Not really the best way to make and keep friends.

What is causing kids to be so self-critical? To gain positive acceptance from parents (and status with peers,) kids feel they must BE the best and globally score high marks both in school and all other activities. This idea leads kids to anxiety that creates a real problem in daily functioning, which is how they arrive to therapy. To get approval that elevates self-esteem, some focus all their drive into one area at which they think they excel. When kids evade their fears of not being good enough, it culminates in many deficits related to a lack of overall exposure of trying out many types of activities.

Schools play a part in the rise of perfectionism related to unending standardized testing that divides and ranks our kids into classes, sets and even colleges. Since our cost of living has risen steeply, young people currently must achieve even more to earn the same manner of living their parents have attained. Social media has played an unhelpful role when kids self-compared to a wide range of others to see how they measure up within their interest group.

What can be done to address this problem? It is important for the young to be encouraged to try new things and for parents to give them attention for effort, not simply superior results. Acknowledge a child for trying to do their personal best so that they feel loved and valued rather than appreciated only for their higher achievements. Support young people to learn to review their work and it being acceptably normal to start again. Advise kids that they will gain valuable knowledge from their mistakes, which is a good thing! If one never makes an error, they will not have the opportunity to gain experience to improve their skills. For those who procrastinate, modify the goal from flawlessness to completion of a project. Be present to provide encouragement if they perform at a lower level than expected. Help kids identify their negative internal dialogue about performance and learn coping skills, such as internalizing more factual, supportive and helpful “self-talk.” Model that you are kind to yourself about mistakes you make as an adult.