Trauma Bonds
Here is a familiar story:
“For 25 years I worked endlessly as a top performer but was always passed over for management and leadership roles with no justification. Being underpaid and overqualified for the job, I felt unappreciated, confused and bitter. General exploitation fueled my sense of dissonance, as abuse was mixed with office fun, jokes, lunches, meaningful chats with my boss and holiday gifts. I remained at the position, as I was being told it would get better if I worked harder. It never did. I chose to endure this treatment for years and was made to believe that I was ‘less than I should be’ and lucky that my employer allowed me to stay.”
In a comparable situation, a punitive parent coldly rebuffs their child for any minor infraction. Intermittently, the youth is then overwhelmed with lavish gifts and compliments about their being a ‘favorite.’ Both the employee and the child are hoping to please authority figures seeking acceptance for being ‘good,’ so they can ultimately feel safer in their environment.
What is a trauma bond? A trauma bond is when a person forms an intense emotional attachment to an authority figure, abuser or captor. These types of relationships typically include a power imbalance that describes a complex set of incongruous emotional and psychological reactions within a victim. Trauma bonds can be seen in families, friendships and workspaces to religious groups or clubs where rewards are unpredictably entangled with mistreatment. The concept is similar to Stockholm Syndrome where a victim empathizes with their captor’s goals as a means of survival during intense stress and fear.
Survival is at the heart of a trauma bond. To feel safe and secure, most human beings have an innate need to belong. The basis for this deep longing begins in the quality of attachments formed in foundational relationships, parent and child. Classic research has shown that love and acceptance are actually more vital than the requirements for food, (Harlow, 1960).
When early attachments are unstable due to the neglectful, interrupted or unpredictable quality of caregiving, the young may form an anxious connection to nonparental cohorts. When children learn early there is no guarantee another person will consistently be around to support their needs, apprehension replaces a state of well-being. Internal dialogue, “I’m not OK”
Neuroscience informs us that the undeveloped brain is shaped by the quality of attachment in our early experiences. These foundations deeply influence our later adult relationships. We frequently observe attachment disordered individuals selecting abusive adult relationships. These toxic connections are so familiar that they feel more easily navigated.
It is common for observers to ask, “Why don’t they just leave the relationship or quit the job to end the suffering?” People who experience trauma bonding are not consciously choosing to remain in harmful situations. Alternatively, their behavior reflects a survival mechanism that develops as a result of intense emotional and psychological manipulation. The trauma bond directs the victim to blame themselves for what they observe as ‘proof’ they really are unlovable and worthless.
Breaking free of an unhealthy relationship can be incredibly challenging and professional help may be indicated. The key is to be responsible for loving yourself rather than being dependent on the inconsistent, selfish whims of others who do not have your best interest at heart. Consciously choosing supportive and healthy partnerships is a good foundation for a successful healing process.