Practicing Assertiveness
You have been waiting in a long line to pay for a candy bar and book at the airport. A person, who you know is on your flight, steps in front of you. He says to the clerk, “I’m in a hurry to catch my flight and have correct change for this newspaper.” What would you do to handle the problem? Do you consider yourself a pushover, pushy or halfway between these two classifications?
Assertiveness is an expression of your true needs, beliefs or feelings to others. It means being unafraid to stand up for yourself, set boundaries and self-advocate in a respectful manner. Choosing to passively avoid speaking up for yourself gives away your power and only leads to your feeling resentful. Assertive communication results in a ‘win-win’ rather than the ‘I win’ expression of aggression by respecting the rights of others, as well as oneself. I often tell clients, “Assertiveness implies getting what you need without stepping on others’ toes” and is a benefit for all considered. Openly stating needs and boundaries serves others by setting expectations, promoting clarity and building trust. I don’t know about you, but I personally like being around people with whom I know where I stand.
You may need to work on your internal dialogue to exclude worries that others may consider you arrogant or offensive if you speak your mind. Try to remember that your viewpoint matters, and it does not mean you are being pushy by expressing it. Actually, your contribution is toward the growth of all those present at your job, in friendships or in family relationships. Assertiveness can help you get ahead at work. It should not surprise you to know there is a Standford University study which finds women, who use appropriately assertive, empathic social skills in their careers, are more likely to get promoted.
Key Aspects of Assertiveness:
1. Clear Messages – Expressing thoughts, emotions and needs in a straightforward manner.
2. Using ‘I’ Language – When making requests or sharing points of view, come from your own perspective.
Examples, “What I’d like to see…” “My concern is….”
3. Use Reflection – To summarize what others say for clarity and to let them know you are paying attention to what they are saying.
Examples, “It sounds like you …” “Are you saying that…?”
4. Use Open-Ended Questions
Examples, “What do you mean by…?” “Could you tell me more about…?”
5. Respect – Recognizing other’s thoughts, feelings and rights to find a balance, even if you disagree. Listen with intent to understand others and encourage two-way communication.
6. Boundary Setting – Clearly, politely and firmly communicate your personal limits to others.
7. Conflict Resolution – Constructively attend to disagreements to find a mutually-beneficial outcome. To counter aggression toward you, use silence as a message rather than engaging in circular arguing.
8. Learn to say, “No” – Bowing out of requests you do not want to do or cannot do without apology or guilt.
9. Positive Statements – Expressing oneself in an upbeat, empathic way focusing on solutions.
10. Demeanor is Important– Projecting body language, facial expression and tone of voice that conveys confidence rather than anger or passivity.
Developing assertiveness skills can improve confidence, problem solving ability while reducing stress and burnout. These skills also support healthier relationships. To enhance your ability to use these techniques, they need to be practiced in different situations that call for assertiveness. Until you become used to supporting yourself in a variety of settings, the initial experiences may feel unnerving. Ultimately, choosing to empower yourself is well worth the effort to find a new sense of life long confidence and self-worth.