Understanding Resistance to Change
As we move through life, we typically lose relationships, transition to new jobs or homes. It can be determined that life is about change and how we adapt to what life gives us. Since people are used to weathering the ebb and flow of their existence, we would expect them to cope well with change; but they do not. Half of the people are on the fence about change, 30% resist change and 20% embrace it (Pritchett, LP, 2025). People dislike adjusting for a variety of reasons, such as fear of the unknown, fear of failure and comfort in routine. The hesitancy to adapt comes from the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, even when that identity holds us back from healthy growth. It is interesting that the very stability that makes us feel secure can also prevent us from reaching our full potential. Our narratives go beyond labeling who we are today-they can also hinder who we believe we are capable of becoming in the future. In order to flourish as a human being, one must grow or risk becoming stagnant.
A revision of one’s self-concept is an especially difficult area with which to reckon. If your identity is too emotionally attached to any particular idea or activity, such as a partnership, a certain appearance, age or profession, you will likely experience angst when the inevitability of change occurs. For example, if you have ridden horses since a small child and at age 38 an injury keeps you from the activity, you begin to wonder who you are now that you are no longer an equestrian. It is advisable to build an identity based on more than a singular self-concept in anticipation of the expected changes in life, such as the aging process, relationships ending, an unexpected illness or retirement. Nurturing a fluid sense of self as you move through your lifespan helps during these inescapable times of transition.
Why do we avoid change? Let us say one story that you have always told yourself and others is, “I’m not a joiner type.” Then you move into an over-55 community that encourages signing up for social clubs. Because you think you don’t like organized activities, this situation creates tension due to your pre-established introverted personality. Now you have two choices: Either update your self-concept to include sociability or avoid the community’s activities. Both options are difficult, but folks with fixed outlooks will find that challenging their self-concept is the harder choice. Telling others for years you were not ‘a joiner’ is another reason to avoid self-concept change, as there is social pressure to be consistent in your reputable character. Unconsciously we seek verification from others that confirm our existing personalities – both negative and positive. It may be helpful to separate identity from one’s behavior, so instead of stating, “I am not a joiner,” say, “I have yet to develop strong social skills,” which feels more achievable. A stable sense of reality is why people choose a familiar discomfort over unknown possibilities. Giving up the loner persona means facing the uncertainty of interacting with strangers engaging in an unfamiliar activity. The scenario is especially challenging since a loss of control is perceived, as the activity feels imposed rather than chosen. Many times, folks will hearken back to a past negative experience expecting a similar uneasiness from the one anticipated. Transformation requires energy and many are not willing to invest in the effort. People scare themselves, imagining what their situational discomfort, fear of failure and self-doubt will feel like, so they sabotage the event to avoid the risk. They also don’t grow.
In order to become adept at handling change, Stulberg (2023) suggests developing a “rugged flexibility,” characterized as a gritty endurance, an anti-fragility that not only withstands change, but thrives in its midst. Overcoming resistance to change requires a mix of mindset shifts, emotional regulation and practical strategies.
How to approach change with a rugged, yet flexible mindset:
1. Establishing core values is one way to cultivate a fluid sense of self. Take time to outline what means the most to you in your life to define who you are. When conditions start shifting, your values can serve as a guiding anchor. Ask yourself where you are stuck in life and where you could open to possibilities. Or where in your life do you hold unrealistic expectations, especially if it is the notion that things will never change.
2. Welcome the ability of holding two ideas at the same time. Most ideas are not black-and-white but contain large grey areas. To think flexibly, consider co-existences, such as, “Hard work is good, but rest is also beneficial.” Or ”Self-discipline gets things done, but it is OK to be kind to yourself.”
3. Make sure your identity is not overly tied to any one person, place or concept, as when those circumstances change, your individuality will not be destroyed along with it.
4. Seek out new experiences that gather proof to counter your limiting self-belief. For example, let us say the story you tell yourself is that you are socially awkward. Set a goal of reaching out to one new person a week. After some time, you will have collected evidence from social skills learned by trial and error that you can overcome your psychological discomfort. With newly-acquired self-confidence, your identity can then slowly shift away from being socially uncomfortable to a person who can enjoy a social setting.
5. You have the power to rewrite your story by reinterpreting experiences via a different lens. If the office bully has been rude to you, instead of playing the role of victim that supports helpless behaviors, reframe these negative scenarios as a ‘growth’ encounter. Here your analysis of the exact same situation has changed in that now you are empowered with more information about how to manage the next similar situation. As the story you tell yourself changes, so does your self-identity in the possibilities of what you are truly capable of in the future.