Boundaries: A Form of Self-Respect

A recognizable story …
You have helped your unemployed brother pay his bills for some time. Suddenly you have lost your own job. You have allowed him to use your garage for storage as he looks for a new living situation. The space is now needed. You want to maintain a positive relationship, but fuzzy boundaries are creating a growing resentment. What should you do?

You may have heard of ‘healthy boundaries’ but are unsure of what the term really means. Imagine a map with lines between states and countries representing distinct territories. These demarcations are crucial in relationships as well to ensure personal identity and a safe psychological distance. Without these limits, a home or workplace can become toxic. There are different types of boundaries; physical, emotional, mental, time and financial. Physical limits include who may touch you or be present in your personal space. Refusing to assume responsibility for others’ emotional condition or not allowing people to tell you how to feel are examples of emotional margins. Feeling free to hold your own convictions represents mental borders. Setting healthy boundaries with your time can be accomplished by blocking out personal time and not overcommitting yourself to others’ needs. Material limits are set by not loaning money or allowing your possessions to be compromised. If you do not reinforce boundaries in these categories, anger will build when your precious time, energy, resources or privacy are unfairly monopolized by others. For example, it is important to establish a protected workspace free of interruptions in the office. These intrusions may undermine work quality and sense of emotional safety.

The process of setting boundaries has three steps: identify your needs, clearly communicate the limits and reinforce your intentions. Self-awareness is paramount here. Boundaries should be flexible, as your needs change. For instance, your stress levels may increase your requirement for personal time or your limits may flux with a maturing long-term relationship. While it is never required to justify your boundaries to others, at times this practice can be beneficial. For example, perhaps you have allowed an old friend to repeatedly call to vent problems, but you have realized that their oversharing is affecting your peace of mind. This friend’s lack of self-awareness requires the need to be more direct by setting a threshold on the content and length of the calls. Will that hurt your friend’s feelings; probably! But for you to live an authentic life, you may have to get used to disappointing others. Boundaries are a form of self-respect. Being too much of a ‘yes-person’ creates barriers to setting healthy limits for one’s own self-care. Hopefully, the friend will appreciate your candor rather than being offended. Communicating your thoughts to the other person should serve to strengthen trust in strong relationships. In truly stable companionships, establishing boundaries openly indicates that your friendship is important enough to save. A fair-weather friend is more likely to tolerate the encroachment quietly and then sacrifice the alliance instead of trying to mend it. A friend that sees your boundaries as an attack is likely not a desirable attachment in the first place.

Learning to firm up boundaries takes practice over time. The concepts of guilt vs. resentment come into play here. You may experience shame when unaccustomed to setting limits. It feels as if you are being pushy or selfish; but are you, really? Relationships without rules are often impaired, as you will soon feel bitterness for allowing yourself to be victimized. Remember, you are responsible for setting and communicating limits. Sometimes this may be a skill we have to develop in adulthood. Persons with permeable boundaries may have grown up in a family that failed to model healthy personal respect. If you have difficulty saying “no,” your boundaries are probably porous. People pleasers often struggle with asserting a limit, as being liked is more important than supporting their own needs. It helps to practice what you want to convey before having a talk with someone about a limit. It is useful to keep a repertoire of planned statements to prevent being overwhelmed with a sudden overbearing request, such as, “Can you help me move this weekend?” With confidence, try saying “I am fully committed at this time.” Avoid over-explaining or repeated apologies, as you are not being rude, just honest. Be careful, as it is possible to use boundary setting in a harmful way. For instance, setting restrictions only to support your isolationist tendencies, to manipulate others or to avoid confrontation.

Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries
1. Self-awareness is essential to identifying your needs.
2. Use your gut instincts to determine what is required for a sense of security
3. Be clear, direct and concise in expressing what limits you want to set and
reasons why
4. Once a boundary is set, stick to it. If you temporarily change your mind;
explain your reasoning for it
5. Learn to feel secure by practicing saying “no” to people and situations that
deplete your energy
6. Be mindful of respecting others’ boundaries, just as you expect others to
mind yours

Empower yourself to create a well-balanced life by setting and upholding healthy limits as a crucial piece of self-care and personal development.