Cultivating Self-Esteem

Most people are familiar with the unnerving situation of having to give a presentation. When our customary roles change, such as presenting ourselves in a temporary position of authority, feelings of insecurity are considered normal. Although self-doubt is an expected life experience, severe disruptions of our self-assurance can harm mental health.

The foundation of self-esteem is rooted in the relationship you have with yourself. According to Schiraldi (2016,) self-esteem is “a deep, quiet inner security that is not easily shaken under duress or after a disappointing performance.” Often we measure self-worth by comparing ourself to others. This practice can alter the respect we hold for ourselves. Decision making, assertiveness, risk taking and letting go of past mistakes are areas of our lives that can be disrupted when our self-respect is in question.

It is plausible to learn that our orientation to self-esteem often begins in childhood but continues on throughout the lifespan. For example, lack of familial warmth short on encouragement can damage our self-worth. In adolescence, an important time of identity formation, acceptance into a peer group can influence our self-image. Lifelong incidents of failure, criticism or rejection from critical parents, a poor school environment, dysfunctional workplace or a difficult relationship can be internalized. Holding the perspective of ‘being a disappointment’ can develop from feeling the need to meet unrealistic expections. Some people come to a mistaken belief that they are inherently ‘bad’ due to past defeats and deserving of mistreatment. This mindset fuels a pessimistic internal dialogue, especially when we compare ourselves to others. This persistently unhelpful inner voice supports notions of inadequacy. Our efforts can be colored by a negative view of the Self. It is as if we are turning past harm from others inward to continue our own abuse (we deserve it, don’t we?). People can get stuck in loops of negative self-talk telling themselves views like, “I’m worthless,” “I could never succeed at this,” “I’m not smart enough” or “I’m not as good as others.” Self-criticism can create a host of problems where perfectionism prevails. Holding an overly conscientious attitude feeds a sensation of pressure, as we fail to recognize our reasonable limitations.

How can we work on this problem? Trying to tell ourselves empty affirmations such as, “I am smarter or better than the average person,” often results in failure. Why? Because most people do not really believe the fabrications they are telling themselves. For instance, unrealistic ideas about real world functioning can be perpetuated by actions such as giving every child a trophy just for showing up. Instead, the honing of skills in an inclusive environment can help keep competition more fun and less competitive.

Did you know that those with high self-esteem mostly focus on growth and improvement? It takes a lot of practice through trial and error to genuinely improve and nurture self-worth. Folks with lower confidence place emphasis on avoiding mistakes and exaggerate the negativity of innocuous events and comments. Social anxiety is driven by a preoccupation with other people’s negative judgments. These cognitions may manifest in behaviors such as ‘hiding’ in social contexts to obscure potential mistakes and subsequent humiliation. This cycle festers into a pessimistic attitude about others and the choice is made to avoid social interaction all together. Finally, these cognitions and behaviors result in depriving the individual of a sense of belonging that is essential to good mental health.

The positive news is that even if self-esteem is relatively stable over time, it can be altered (Orth & Robins, 2014). Neuroplasticity allows structural and functional change in response to the environment. Thankfully, this means that we can recondition ourselves with practice. A genuine investment in the work of change is a slow and difficult process, so unwinding these malajusted ways will take an equal duration of time.

What Can Enhance Your Self-Esteem?
1. Determine what kind of person you are striving to become by establishing a set of core values towards which to work
2. Practice self-compassionate care to heal old emotional wounds
3. Appreciate your body with all its imperfections just as you love friends/family who are not flawless either
4. Recognize and challenge negative thoughts that perpetuate low confidence and sabotage efforts
5. Avoid erroneous thinking by taking too much personal responsibility for negative events or comments from others
6. Remove yourself from association with toxic people who you continue to allow to talk down to you
7. Display self-respect by setting boundaries with others. Learn to say “No”
8. Look for opportunities to practice assertiveness by articulating your true needs and views
9. Trying to overcompensate for your perceived inferiority with perfectionism is debilitating. Set realistic and measurable goals for yourself
10. Instead of focusing on overly ambitious tasks at which you predict failure, concentrate and build on your proven capabilities
11. Get an external perspective to challenge negative self-beliefs. Talk with a trusted friend, supportive family member or professional clinician

Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2014). The development of self-esteem. Current
directions in psychological science, 23(5), 381-387.

Schiraldi, G. R. (2016). The self-esteem workbook. (2nd. ed.). New
Harbinger Publishing