Cultural norms toward singledom have evolved over time. In the past, women felt pressured by society to select a mate and start a family. Currently, one’s position as a singleton is more accepted and respected. Yet, I have worked with a number of clients who continue to make themselves terribly unhappy by comparing their relationship status to others’ situations. Their thought process is, “I’m missing out because I’m not married or do not have a significant partner.” Their reasoning is that others are experiencing a sense of belonging that is superior to their current lifestyle, which may not even be factual. Yet one’s emotional reaction to being unattached depends on how they choose to frame the concept. If being uncommitted is viewed as a failure, then the state of singularity renders negative feelings of discomfort and anxiety, as though something were wrong. Is it? Are emotions emanating from a personal perspective of deficit?
We have all experienced a toxic alliance where the drama of a friend ’s life adversely affects our own. Perhaps from the beginning, there was poor social reciprocity where most of your efforts in the relationship were unreciprocated. It is challenging to build a healthy sustainable partnership with these imbalances.